Look At Me
by Baxaronn
Summary: Otogi, aka Mr. Clown, takes his son aside one day to explain to him why he was born. It doesn't exactly go as planned. Warning: child abuse.


Hello, welcome to this story. I hope you enjoy it, as I wouldn't want you to have wasted your time opening the page should you _not_ enjoy it. I do think it's good enough to be enjoyable, but before you do read it you should take fair warning:

**Warning**: This story contains child abuse. It's not severe, you-are-going-to-die-because-of-this abuse, but it is what it is and if you are not comfortable with such a topic, you should avoid this entirely.

Note: I am attributing a vision problem to Otogi (referred to here as Ryuji) that he is not explicitly stated to have in canon, i.e. difficulty with night vision. Have you ever noticed how small his pupils are? They are literally always that size. I have a hard time believing he can see properly with those. Anyway, this story works under the assumption that this is the case.

If you're still here, please proceed.

* * *

Otogi doesn't like doing anything in full light. He doesn't want to risk a glance at himself, and even with the mask and the suit, there are ways his costume fails to conceal his flaws. For example, when he extends his arm he can see an inch or so of skin between his sleeve and his glove. He can see his eyes and the skin around them through the holes in his mask when he sees a reflective surface. It's hard to change your clothes or take a bath without seeing your body. So he's learned over the past nine years to do everything in minimal light. He can see in the dark pretty well now, but not so well that his physical features are distinct enough for him to mind them.

He would have figured, as well, that his son would be equally if not more skilled at seeing in the dark. In the five years Ryuji's been alive he's spent most of his time indoors, and most of that time without any source of light at all. They have candles, which they use more often than Otogi thinks is necessary, but no lamps. The curtains are so thick and dark that almost no sunlight gets past them. As a failsafe, the windows, aside from a centimeter-thick unmarred border, are painted black. He was pretty sure when the boy was born that all this would be bad for him, because he knew that eventually he'd have to go to school every day, and his eyes should be trained to handle more than candlelight. But Otogi just can't make himself live any other way.

Besides, Ryuji can't get used to the darkness anyway, for some ridiculous reason. Ever since he learned to walk, he's been bumping into walls and tripping everywhere he goes. He can't navigate the house without one hand dragging along the wall and the other stretched out in front. He can't follow moving objects with his eyes unless they're right in his face. In the darkness, he's practically blind.

This is why Otogi has to guide him by the hand into the living room, instead of simply telling him to go there, so he can talk to him about his future. Ryuji's been five for a few weeks now, and he needs to learn his life's purpose before he starts kindergarten. Otogi tells Ryuji to sit on the floor and sits down in front of him so that they would be facing each other if Ryuji would look up from his feet. He's staring at his white socks, which are the brightest things in the room, and possibly the only things he can see. If Otogi is grateful for anything, it's that his son cannot see his face unless he's wearing his white mask. Ryuji doesn't know that he has any other face. On the occasions when they do go outside, Ryuji can see perfectly well after a few minutes of adjustment, but Otogi would never remove his mask in public.

"Ryuji, I'm going to tell you why you were born today," he begins. Ryuji doesn't look up at him. He continues to stare determinedly at his feet.

"You were made five years ago so that you could get revenge for me," Otogi says.

"Um," Ryuji interrupts.

"Yes?"

"I don't know what's a revenge," he asks. "And let's use a candle."

Otogi isn't wearing his mask right now. He needs his voice to be completely clear, so he doesn't want it blocking his mouth. Because of this, though, he can't light any candles, or Ryuji will see him. Otogi can't have him knowing what he looks like until everything's been explained, and even then he's not sure he's willing to show him.

"I'm sure you know what revenge is. I talk about it all the time."

"It's something daddy will get from Mutou so he can be happy," Ryuji says. "But I don't know what is it."

"That's very close. Revenge is when you do something bad to someone who did something bad to you first."

"Like when I do a bad thing and you get mad at me?"

"Yes! Just like that. But you've never done anything as bad as what Mutou Sugoroku did to me."

Ryuji pulls off one of his socks by peeling it away from the top. It comes off inside out, but he immediately fixes it. "So now something bad happens to him?"

"Exactly. You're a smart boy," Otogi says with a proud smile. He reaches over to pat him on the head, but Ryuji puts his hands in the way so that Otogi's palm makes contact with his fingers and the sock he's still holding instead of his hair.

"Now, when we get revenge on this man, _you_ are going to be the one doing something bad to him," Otogi continues as he withdraws his hand.

Ryuji reaches his hand inside the sock and yanks out a string. "I don't wanna do something bad to him. Bad is when nobody likes it." The string is stuck to his fingers, and no matter how much he flicks it away it doesn't fall off. "Let's turn on the light, daddy."

"You're right, you usually shouldn't do bad things," Otogi explains, ignoring his request once again. He looks down at his own feet with grave eyes. "But sometimes you have to do bad things to bad people. That way you teach them to stop being bad."

Otogi says, "So really, it's a good thing to do bad things to bad people."

The lint on Ryuji's fingers, which he tried to remove by swiping it off with his other hand, is now clinging to his other fingers. "I'm stuck to this," he says, putting his dirty hand close to where he thinks his fathers face is. "It's annoying." He scrapes his hand on the floor to try and catch the string in the cracks between the boards.

"Ryuji, this conversation is more important than your socks," Otogi growls, baring his teeth in a frustrated snarl. Ryuji doesn't notice his new expression; he hasn't tried to look at him once since this conversation began. Instead he puts his hand back in his sock and tries to pull the string away by catching it in the other string at the bottom. Otogi clenches a fist, pulls back his arm, and punches Ryuji in the cheek.

"Pay attention!" he shrieks. Ryuji falls to the floor with a hard _thud_. "Do you understand what I'm saying to you? This is the most important thing you will _ever hear!_ Do you get that?"

Ryuji doesn't answer. He sits back up and rubs his face with his linty hand, tears brimming in his eyes.

"What's so interesting about your _sock_ that you would ignore the most important thing in the world? Huh?" Otogi grabs Ryuji's face and pries his eyelids apart with his thumb and forefinger. "Just 'cause your eyes are bad doesn't mean you don't have to listen to me! You can hear, you can pay attention, so do it!"

Ryuji's pupils are constricted so small they look like pixels, like needle points, like specks of dust. His iris convulses and his eyelids twitch under the strain of being forced open. His free eye is streaming with tears. His little hands grope around his father's considerably bigger ones, trying to move his fingers away from his face.

"_Look at me! Can you see how hideous I am? How can you disrespect me so much that I have to tell you to listen to the most important thing you will ever hear?_"

"Stop yelling at me," Ryuji whimpers. When Otogi lets go of him, he shuts his eyes tightly and hides his face in his hands. His tears soon give way to sobs and he screams and cries in pain until Otogi cannot stand it anymore.

"Ryuji, don't cry, I'm sorry," he says in as comforting a voice as he can form. "Shh, calm down, I'm sorry." He holds his arms out to offer an embrace, but Ryuji doesn't notice his gesture. Instead he scoops him into his hug and rocks him back and forth, trying to calm him down, petting his hair with his tear soaked glove. Ryuji buries his face in his chest and cries and cries.

After a few minutes Otogi's shirt is completely soaked through with tears and snot and drool. Ryuji is done crying, but his body still heaves with dry sobs under his father's arms. He says something, but his words are muffled by the shirt. Otogi pushes his head away, gently, and asks him to repeat himself.

"Daddy, you're scary," Ryuji says. His voice is nothing but a small croak, but Otogi hears him well enough.

"I'm sorry, Ryuji, I won't do it again."

"Can we light a candle now?"

"No."

* * *

There you are, I hope that was to your liking. You're welcome to comment, I'm open to suggestions or whatever you have to say. Have a nice day.


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